This Is Why... - Repost

I'm re-posting this blog entry tonight. I took it down a while ago because it was a little too raw. I'm putting it back out there to remind people that words have power and that it's a dick move to kick someone when they're down.

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This is why I don't tell people things.  Seriously.

It's been a really difficult few weeks.  Things have been escalating a lot and this weekend, I've gotten to the point where the urge to cut has been really bad.  One thing I've learned over the past year is that support is crucial.  Reaching out to people is absolutely necessary for keeping my sanity.  I was reminded last night why I have such a difficult time with it even though I know it's so important.

I was struggling horribly this weekend, and I apparently made the mistake of trusting the wrong person for support.  I confided in him that I was having a very difficult time not cutting.  In addition to just generally not being very supportive at all, when this person texted me later that evening and I didn't respond (because I was asleep), he followed up with this text, apparently frustrated with my lack of response:

"Did you pass out from blood loss?"

Ouch. Umm...thanks for the support?  Now, in all fairness, I don't expect everyone to understand the whole "self-harm" thing.  I really don't.  I don't expect everyone to be supportive when I'm struggling.  But what I do expect from a person I thought was someone who actually cared about me was to not deliver such a low blow.  It doesn't change the fact that I need support to get through the bad times, but comments like that make it so much harder to reach out for support.  Because holy shit, that was a hurtful and completely uncalled for comment.

And this is why I have trouble trusting people enough to tell them things. Because I always seem to find that one person who will throw it back in my face when I'm at my weakest. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people in my life who wouldn't dream of doing that. But the unfortunate thing is that it only takes one push to send someone over a cliff. Somehow I always seem to find that one asshole. Everyone had a talent for something - apparently finding assholes is mine, followed closely by an apparent inability to give up on assholes even when I know I should. Too bad those talents aren't really marketable...

So now I retreat into my own head and pull away from everyone even though that's the worst thing I could do. But I guess it's all part of navigating the path to finding people that are worth my time. Some day maybe it'll get easier.

I'm realizing now that I probably shouldn't even post this. That there's probably such a thing as too much transparency. But I'm also realizing that I just don't give a shit, so I'm going to do it anyway.