Dating as an Old Person

I don't get out much. Like, ever. I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone out with friends over the past year. I'm impressively lame that way. Being single again is like one of the circles of hell for someone like me who is completely and hopelessly introverted but really wants someone special to spend time and enjoy life with.

Enter online dating. I know, I know. I can hear the groans from here - mostly from people who have lives and are reasonably social. But I'm not one of those people, so back off...

Anyway, after perusing some sites, I've developed a list of observations/hints/whatever-you-want-to-call-them:

1) Bathroom selfies are lame, but public restroom selfies are just freaking creepy. Just, no. If you have a phone that still requires a mirror to take a selfie, then I feel sad for you. But still, find a less creepy place to take a picture. You're freaking everyone out, and that guy using the urinal over there probably doesn't want that moment plastered all over eHarmony...

2) A mugshot does not count as an appropriate profile picture for a dating site. Neither does a picture of you in super tight underwear. Again, just no...

3) If all of your pictures show you with dark brown hair, don't list your hair color as blond. You're not fooling anyone.

4) Listing in your compatibility section that you "only date within my race" - I'm not even sure how to respond to that. The Civil Rights movement called - they want to kick your ass.

5) If you feel the need to use the words "hot" or "sexy" in your username, you're probably overcompensating. Any woman with at least five brain cells knows this. So just don't.

6) Maybe I'm weird because this seems to be popular now, but what the hell is it with including your income in your profile? Really? Are we as a society really that shallow that this is on our short list for determining datability?

7) Your profile picture should be a picture of you. I know, shocking, right? It shouldn't be a picture of your car or your dog. It should be you. And if your car or dog is more marketable than you are, perhaps it's time to take a good, hard look at yourself.

8) Glamour Shots. For the love of all that is holy, please don't do it. It's weird enough when women do it, but when men do it, it sends out a bit of that "serial killer" vibe. Just don't. Better to post your driver's license picture than a Glamour Shot.

9) Don't make your profile picture one of you helping your horse chug Dr. Pepper. People like you are the reason my deodorant has a warning that it's not to be applied IN your eyes. I mean, what the fuck? Why do I even need to say this?

10) Don't go looking up your coworker's profile just because you're curious. You'll creep them out. I promise. Plus, awkward...

11) If you stumble on your ex's profile on a dating site, don't send them a smart ass message telling them how hot they are. I don't care how entertaining it might be, it's still a bad idea. Yes, self, I'm talking to you. It will always be a bad idea. You're an adult. Grow up.

Seriously, online dating sites have been equal parts hilarious and horrifying. I can't help but wonder what people are thinking sometimes when they set these things up. I'm glad they do it though - otherwise what would I do for entertainment?

God help me - it's going to be an interesting year.

Scared. Desperate. Loved.

The holidays this year have been a mix of frantic last-minute doing everything on the planet and complete soul crushing emptiness. It's been almost as much fun as it sounds. Almost. Anyway, as a result, writing has taken a back seat to, well, just surviving really. Hence my absence from blogging, which I'm sure nobody has really noticed. I've barely had the time or energy to notice.

I saw a challenge yesterday to describe 2014 in just three words. I saw people throwing out words like "fun" and "exciting" and "happy" and "healthy". And part of me wanted to go out and punch each and every one of those people in the face. Okay, okay...not really...well, maybe a little. But it definitely made me realize that my year was none of those things. None. How depressing is that? I couldn't even swing "healthy" this year! I know - loser, right? So what words did I come up with?

Scared. Desperate. Loved.

I'm really good at those first two. I've had plenty of practice and I've nearly got them down to an art form at this point. But that last one? It snuck up on me a little. That's the one that has made this year different.

This year has been full of the lowest lows I've ever experienced and more struggles than I ever thought I'd be able to endure. And I barely made it. Very, very barely. But I survived. It was messy and ugly and harder than I care to admit, but I survived. And I never would have survived if it weren't for that last word - love. Somewhere in the middle of the struggles and hopelessness, 

I started this year feeling completely isolated and alone. Life was empty and scary and kind of an exercise in futility. Somewhere along the way I realized that it was going to stay that way unless I stepped out of my comfort zone.  Real connections and real change are born out of vulnerability (thanks to Brene Brown for helping me connect the dots). Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? And it's true. I mean, it makes sense and I'm not sure why it never occurred to me before.

It's funny how a year can pass at warp speed and slow motion all at the same time. At the time, it felt like time was passing excruciatingly slowly but now that the year is coming to a close, it all seems like a bit of a blur.  It's been a hell of a ride, and I'm ending this year a completely different person than I was when it first began. I'm ending this year as me.

Finality

So today was the big day. Divorce day. The day I've been both dreading and looking forward to. I've been dreading it because this sort of thing is like a little slice of hell for someone with really horrific social anxiety - especially since I had been working with a different attorney during this process so the one I dealt with today was one I'd only met once before. Awesome. So I had to stand with my attorney in front of a judge and a room full of people and answer questions that should have been easy. Except that anxiety is a damn bitch and often makes it difficult to process anything - and my lawyer was talking really super fast because he's done this approximately 5,290,192.836 times before. Happily, I got all of the answers right. And after only about five minutes, the judge granted the divorce and wished me luck.  Truthfully, it was about as easy as it could have been - but that didn't keep it from knocking me clear on my ass.  I've had a really fabulous anxiety hangover all day.  All the joys of a hangover without the benefit of the alcohol.  

My attorney had another client there for divorce proceedings as well. She had to go before the judge first and honestly she made me feel weird about how I feel about the whole situation. As she was in front of the judge and answering questions, she started crying. Is there something wrong with me that I could barely wipe the smile from my face? There really might be something wrong with me. Or maybe I'm just in a different situation I guess. I've been fortunate (relatively speaking) that this divorce process has gone reasonably smoothly. I'm just glad to be done with this chapter of my life.

But the anxiety of the day is definitely here to stay...at least for a while. Hopefully I'll finally be able to sleep tonight, and I'll be feeling a little more human in the morning.  It might be time to medicate. This whole situation has really kicked my ass, even though it still feels really surreal.  

I can't help but look back at this year and think to myself, "Holy shit, what the hell happened?" This year was unexpected on so many levels it's crazy. I was just talking a bit in therapy this week about how I never would have imagined the year going this way. Not in my wildest dreams. Life can be funny that way, I guess. Hugely unpredictable and often in the most unexpected - and sometimes humorous - ways.

I remember a couple of months ago talking with a friend about how badly I needed an escape.  I just felt stuck in really horrific ways and I needed a break more than anything. Shortly after that, my car broke down on the way home from picking my son up from school - when it rains, it pours, right? At any rate, I ended up with a rental car. It was at that point that I realized that I apparently need to be more specific with my requests.  

Behold, my "escape":

Life can be a real smart-ass...