Not that anyone has noticed or anything, but I've been taking a break from blogging lately. It's mostly because I just have nothing left these days. I keep sitting down, thinking I should write something and coming up with nothing that even resembles a rational thought. So for now, I've given up. Usually giving up is when things start to fall into place. Life's funny like that, I guess.
The last several weeks have been a steady decline. Very steady and definite decline. But something new happened for me. Something very notable and downright awesomederful. My boyfriend loved and supported me anyway and did everything he could to make me smile. Big deal, right? I mean, that's just what you do when you love someone. Well some of us are just now figuring that out. I'm not that bright so back off! Seriously though, it's been a testament to the amazing connection and love that we share even after just a short time. Because let's face it, bad times for me have always exposed very raw nerves in my past relationships (you know, with my vast relationship experience and all). My ex is the one that exposed all the nerves to begin with and my last boyfriend had a habit in these situations of making snarky comments about how he expected me to go slice myself up. So yeah, I'm not used to genuine care and concern.
Don't get me wrong, it's depression. It's wonky chemicals in my brain. No matter how much love I'm given, no matter how much I can rationalize with myself and know that I shouldn't feel that way, someone's I just do, and there's really not that much that can be done about it. But still, he loves me enough to nudge me in the right direction even when I'm being insanely stubborn (I know it's a shock to some, but I can be horrifically stubborn). His nudging led me to the first doctor I've had in ages that I feel has actually listened to me. There only doctor that I've seen for the depression and anxiety that's done so. I was anxious and resistant to see her - after all, I don't have the best track record with doctors - but she's got that awesome laid back personality that puts you at ease almost immediately. Leaving that appointment, I felt something I hadn't felt in a while - HOPE. Hope that I'll finally be able to find something that works for me. Hope that I finally had a partner in my mental health care. Hope that I can get back up from all of this and be the person my friends and boyfriend deserve for me to be again. I have it in me. I know I do. I just need to find it again.
For now, I trudge through. I try to remind myself of the fabulous future I have ahead of me. I've found love - I never thought that would happen. I never thought there was a man out there who would love and accept me for who I am, scars and all. I never thought there would be a man that would tell me I'm beautiful and actually mean it. I never thought I'd find someone I connected with so thoroughly and so immediately. I never thought someone like that existed. Not a perfect man, but the perfect man for me. I never knew a part of me was missing until we stumbled upon each other, but our broken pieces and rough edges fit together perfectly. He and the kids are why I trudge through. They're my strength, my hope - my loves.
I write this from 32,000ft because there's really nothing to do in an airplane but think and because I have always hated flying and I need a distraction. But I've noticed something I didn't expect. Having love and support has given me the strength to face my fears - all of them. And after all I've been through the last few years, I'm finding that the things I was once scared of aren't nearly as scary anymore. It's funny how that happens...
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