What is it about human nature that makes us want to judge people? I just don't get it. I really, really don't. Of course, I'm guilty of it too sometimes, though I try really hard not to. Honestly, since I'm a little unorthodox, I tend to draw a little more judgment and labeling than I might have if I had stuck to more "traditional" things. Maybe I've brought it upon myself to some degree. But honestly, that's part of why I enjoy being a little off the norm. It makes it so much easier to spot the judgies - and avoid the displeasure of their company.
Last night, I chopped off most of my hair again. It's now the shortest it's ever been. Ever. And it reminded me of when I first chopped it off a couple of years ago around the time of the divorce. One of the first comments I got about it was from a co-worker. "So, does that mean you're switching teams?" You know, because clearly gender identity and sexual preference are tied to hairstyle. But more to the point, why does it even matter? Why is anyone I'm not romantically involved with invested in my sexual identity at all? And why on earth does someone I don't even know outside of a professional capacity feel like they have some right to even ask that kind of question? I'm still the same person I was when I had longer hair. I didn't miss with the clippers and shave off a lobe of my brain. It's most definitely still me in there, like it or not. And whatever my identity was before I cut my hair off is still very much my identity now.
But seriously, what is it with people? It's like people are just looking for reasons to judge other people. And if you don't conform to what they feel is "normal" or "proper," they feel entitled to look down their noses and make comments about it. And heaven forbid you do something that people don't agree with or make decisions that are not in line with all of the socially accepted stereotypes that we're all supposed to adhere to.
Way back in the day, when I was being evaluated to see whether I was ready to enter kindergarten, I was almost red-shirted. It wasn't because I wasn't emotionally ready. It wasn't because I didn't have the required basic skills to be a successful kindergartener. It was because I couldn't hop on my left foot. I kid you not. I was nearly held back a year in school because of my of my inability to hop on my left foot. I just couldn't do it. I still can't, and I'd like to think that despite my obvious handicap, I've still managed to be a fully functional member of society. It's a pretty amazing success story, really, because who would have ever thought someone with such a huge deficiency would have been able to graduate from college summa cum laude and hold down an actual big girl job (not to mention the fact that I can still be a girl with short hair)? I laugh now at that kindergarten readiness criteria, but really, it's kind of a sad commentary on how we as people tend to discount people because they don't fit our totally arbitrary definition of what makes someone capable of success.
And growing up, I remember my teachers constantly getting on my case for holding my pencil "the wrong way." As far as I'm concerned, if I can write legibly, there's no real wrong way to hold a pencil. And just recently in a meeting about one of my kids, I had a room full of educators staring at me quizzically and talking about how they don't get how I can write like that. I mention this just to highlight the fact that it seems to be human nature to fixate on people who do things differently or don't adhere to what society says is "normal." Who cares? Am I so incredibly boring that how I hold my pencil is the most fascinating thing about me? Why do people have to act like I'm a freak because I hold a pencil differently?
This ridiculousness has got to stop. This tendency to judge people for their choices just because they don't match our own, this feeling of superiority that happens when we fall into the mainstream crowd, this idea that different somehow means "less than" - it's just not healthy for anyone. We're destroying ourselves. We're destroying each other. And I can't help but wonder if it's really worth it. Is that feeling of superiority we get when we judge people really worth burning those relationships to the ground? God, I hope not.
A while back, I overheard a conversation between two gentlemen about homosexuality. One of them insisted on using extremely derogatory language when referring to homosexuals. When he saw my reaction and I expressed my disapproval of his judgment bigotry, his response was, "Why are you offended? You're not one of them."
Is that really what we've come to? Is that the world we live in where I'm not supposed to have the right to be offended by completely unnecessary judgment and bigotry? Because I don't want to exist in a place like that. I want to live in a world where opposing bigotry and hatred isn't a right to be earned by being the subject of that hatred but rather seen as something expected from everyone because justice is everyone's business.
I get judged as a mother because I put my youngest on medication for his ADHD. He's just being a boy, I'm told. They have lots of energy. And he's too young. I should have have waited a year to start him in kindergarten. All these people who don't know my son, judging my decision to medicate him. People who don't know him assuming that I'm medicating him to make my own life easier. What they didn't see is a child who absolutely loves school, getting horribly discouraged because he was continually getting in trouble for being disruptive. They didn't see the little boy that was so disappointed in himself for getting in trouble each day. They don't see him beaming with pride now that he can focus on his class work. They don't see the boy that comes home so excited to tell me about his excellent behavior marks in school, who loves to share all of the things he's learning in school. All of the things he wasn't able to do unmedicated. They don't understand that I don't medicate him at home. It didn't make things easier for me. In fact, the medication often causes some rebound crabbiness that can make things MORE challenging for me. I don't medicate him because it's easier for me. I medicate him because he loves learning and he loves school - and his medication allows him to continue loving it without being constantly frustrated with himself. And yet, I've gotten more than lecture after lecture about it and how I'm just taking the easy way out. Because people just love to judge situations their don't understand.
Don't get me wrong, I willingly accept judgment for decisions that I make in order for my children to be successful. I shouldn't be judged for them, but if that's how it's going to be, then bring it. Sometimes parents have to make hard decisions for their kids, and sometimes fear of judgment makes it hard to do so. My own parents knew I struggled with depression growing up. My room, where I cried myself to sleep and wished I were dead, was separated from my parents room with just one thin little door. They heard me cry myself to sleep. They heard my siblings make fun of me for crying myself to sleep. They saw my scars. They knew I was hurting myself. And yet they did nothing - I assume out of fear of judgment. What will the other parents think?
And that's where I learned to be ashamed of my struggles - because others were first ashamed of my struggles. And they were ashamed of my struggles because of the way people just love to judge. Bigoted judgment really does destroy people. It's taken me all this time to stop giving any fucks about people passing judgment on me. It only took me thirty+ years and nearly taking my own life...
People don't have to like me but that doesn't give them carte blanche to judge me. You don't have to like the way I work, but that doesn't mean I need to be fixed.
But I digress - go ahead and judge me for it...
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