Be Gentle With Yourself

"Be gentle with yourself." It wasn't the first time I heard this from a therapist. I was hoping this time I might be able to take it more to heart than I was able to the first time. To be fair, though, the first time was when I was in the middle of the abuse and my perception of myself was far more fucked up than it is now (though there's still a looooooong way to go). Being gentle with myself back then was more a matter of not deliberately hurting myself. I'd love to say I'm past that now, but even though it's been years since I've done it, it's still not behind me, I'm not sure if it ever will be completely. Conditioning can be a real bitch. Stupid Mary and her little lamb... (short story, but I'll just let you wonder).

    "I give you permission." Now, this was the first time I had heard this from a therapist in conjunction with the "Be gentle with yourself." My first reaction was, "I don't need *your* permission to be gentle with myself." But I think this week has taught me that, in the place that I'm at right now, maybe I actually do need that permission. Maybe I need a reminder that it's okay to be in a funk or struggle with things. It's okay to sometimes be a little short with people. It's not something to specifically aim for, but sometimes it happens and I need to be able to get past it without repeatedly kicking my own ass for it. But sometimes the reminder is helpful that it's okay to struggle sometimes. There's not really a way to get past things without wading through some pretty shit emotions.

Still, though, even though I know I often feel like I need permission to have feelings (hence being in therapy to begin with), it's still weird to hear someone say that they're giving me permission to feel. But sometimes someone else knows exactly what I need to hear even when I don't.