Finality

So today was the big day. Divorce day. The day I've been both dreading and looking forward to. I've been dreading it because this sort of thing is like a little slice of hell for someone with really horrific social anxiety - especially since I had been working with a different attorney during this process so the one I dealt with today was one I'd only met once before. Awesome. So I had to stand with my attorney in front of a judge and a room full of people and answer questions that should have been easy. Except that anxiety is a damn bitch and often makes it difficult to process anything - and my lawyer was talking really super fast because he's done this approximately 5,290,192.836 times before. Happily, I got all of the answers right. And after only about five minutes, the judge granted the divorce and wished me luck.  Truthfully, it was about as easy as it could have been - but that didn't keep it from knocking me clear on my ass.  I've had a really fabulous anxiety hangover all day.  All the joys of a hangover without the benefit of the alcohol.  

My attorney had another client there for divorce proceedings as well. She had to go before the judge first and honestly she made me feel weird about how I feel about the whole situation. As she was in front of the judge and answering questions, she started crying. Is there something wrong with me that I could barely wipe the smile from my face? There really might be something wrong with me. Or maybe I'm just in a different situation I guess. I've been fortunate (relatively speaking) that this divorce process has gone reasonably smoothly. I'm just glad to be done with this chapter of my life.

But the anxiety of the day is definitely here to stay...at least for a while. Hopefully I'll finally be able to sleep tonight, and I'll be feeling a little more human in the morning.  It might be time to medicate. This whole situation has really kicked my ass, even though it still feels really surreal.  

I can't help but look back at this year and think to myself, "Holy shit, what the hell happened?" This year was unexpected on so many levels it's crazy. I was just talking a bit in therapy this week about how I never would have imagined the year going this way. Not in my wildest dreams. Life can be funny that way, I guess. Hugely unpredictable and often in the most unexpected - and sometimes humorous - ways.

I remember a couple of months ago talking with a friend about how badly I needed an escape.  I just felt stuck in really horrific ways and I needed a break more than anything. Shortly after that, my car broke down on the way home from picking my son up from school - when it rains, it pours, right? At any rate, I ended up with a rental car. It was at that point that I realized that I apparently need to be more specific with my requests.  

Behold, my "escape":

Life can be a real smart-ass...