I don't get out much. Like, ever. I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone out with friends over the past year. I'm impressively lame that way. Being single again is like one of the circles of hell for someone like me who is completely and hopelessly introverted but really wants someone special to spend time and enjoy life with.
Enter online dating. I know, I know. I can hear the groans from here - mostly from people who have lives and are reasonably social. But I'm not one of those people, so back off...
Anyway, after perusing some sites, I've developed a list of observations/hints/whatever-you-want-to-call-them:
1) Bathroom selfies are lame, but public restroom selfies are just freaking creepy. Just, no. If you have a phone that still requires a mirror to take a selfie, then I feel sad for you. But still, find a less creepy place to take a picture. You're freaking everyone out, and that guy using the urinal over there probably doesn't want that moment plastered all over eHarmony...
2) A mugshot does not count as an appropriate profile picture for a dating site. Neither does a picture of you in super tight underwear. Again, just no...
3) If all of your pictures show you with dark brown hair, don't list your hair color as blond. You're not fooling anyone.
4) Listing in your compatibility section that you "only date within my race" - I'm not even sure how to respond to that. The Civil Rights movement called - they want to kick your ass.
5) If you feel the need to use the words "hot" or "sexy" in your username, you're probably overcompensating. Any woman with at least five brain cells knows this. So just don't.
6) Maybe I'm weird because this seems to be popular now, but what the hell is it with including your income in your profile? Really? Are we as a society really that shallow that this is on our short list for determining datability?
7) Your profile picture should be a picture of you. I know, shocking, right? It shouldn't be a picture of your car or your dog. It should be you. And if your car or dog is more marketable than you are, perhaps it's time to take a good, hard look at yourself.
8) Glamour Shots. For the love of all that is holy, please don't do it. It's weird enough when women do it, but when men do it, it sends out a bit of that "serial killer" vibe. Just don't. Better to post your driver's license picture than a Glamour Shot.
9) Don't make your profile picture one of you helping your horse chug Dr. Pepper. People like you are the reason my deodorant has a warning that it's not to be applied IN your eyes. I mean, what the fuck? Why do I even need to say this?
10) Don't go looking up your coworker's profile just because you're curious. You'll creep them out. I promise. Plus, awkward...
11) If you stumble on your ex's profile on a dating site, don't send them a smart ass message telling them how hot they are. I don't care how entertaining it might be, it's still a bad idea. Yes, self, I'm talking to you. It will always be a bad idea. You're an adult. Grow up.
Seriously, online dating sites have been equal parts hilarious and horrifying. I can't help but wonder what people are thinking sometimes when they set these things up. I'm glad they do it though - otherwise what would I do for entertainment?
God help me - it's going to be an interesting year.
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