...when I said last week that I know I deserve better than to be treated like shit. But I only sort of lied. My head and my heart are still very much at odds. It's an intense and exhausting power struggle...not to mention obnoxiously confusing.
My head says that I'm a loving and compassionate person. I'm fun to be around and have an excellent (albeit warped) sense of humor. I'm smart and good at what I do - on my best days I can even admit that I don't entirely suck at writing. I'm a fighter. I get knocked down, but I don't give up. I'm strong - stronger than I even give myself credit for probably. And I'm a survivor. Every insecurity I hold and every scar that I wear is proof that even though I've come out worse for wear, I'm going to survive. My head says that I'm worthy of love and respect and that there nothing I could have ever done to deserve the abuse that I endured. It was a learning experience, and I'm a better person for it. My head says that I've got a lot to offer people that are willing to give me a chance. My head is a happy and rational place where things make sense.
But my heart often disagrees. My heart tells me that somehow, on some level I must have deserved the abuse because really who could treat someone like that if they didn't at least kind of deserve it? It tells me that I'm not good enough. I never have been and never will be. And that I don't deserve to be treated well. I don't have anything to offer to someone who would actually treat me well. My heart refuses to let me believe that there would ever someone that could love me and see the good in me past all of the scars and baggage. It bombards me with reminders of all the times I've failed. It lies. It lies a lot. It's kind of an asshole. But despite all of that, it still sometimes manages to suck me in with its lies.
It's an interesting thing, I guess. My head wins a lot more often than it used to, and that's certainly progress. Unfortunately it doesn't really make the times when head loses any less difficult. It throws my insecurities into overdrive. It makes me question everything and makes me feel completely defeated. It drives me crazy and I'm guessing it drives the people around me even crazier.
I'm learning though. I'm learning to see past the lies. I'm learning when to listen to my head and when to listen to my heart. I'm learning to call my heart on its bullshit. I'm learning to treat myself with the same kind of love and concern that I try to show other people. Because of I can't believe I'm worth treating well, nobody else will either.
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