This probably seems like an odd title for a post. It's certainly not likely to be very interesting to anyone but me, though it's something that's been on my mind a lot during my blog hiatus. But in all truthfulness, it fascinates me - in part because of how it managed to sneak right up on me.
People focus a lot on the scars that abuse leaves. That seems reasonable given that pain and hurt are the most obvious byproducts of abuse. But the truth is that there are a lot of really great things that can come from it too.
In the midst of the abuse, I got to the point where all I felt was anger, bitterness and hatred. I was genuinely scared that these emotions were going to be a life sentence. That I would remain a slave to these horrible, ugly feelings until long after the abuse ended. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to get back to the person I had been before.
The truth is, I can't. I'll never be that person again. The truth is that a situation like mine changes you, whether you like it or not. You can never truly go back to the person you were before. These kinds of situations can empower you or they can destroy you. The good news is that YOU are the one that gets to decide where they take you.
I could have let those emotions define me. I could have let that be the new me. I could have run around being bitter and angry all the time. And I did for a while - until I realized that it wasn't really working out too well for me. I was miserable. I was making everyone else miserable. It just wasn't any way to live. There comes a point in life where you have to decide what kind of person you want to be and jump right in.
I realized that bitterness and anger and hatred weren't working for me because that's not who I want to be. It's just not. There were lots of people who have never understood why I try to be so flexible and understanding with people who have shit all over me. The answer is that responding in kind would mean stooping as low as those people have, and some things just will never be worth it. Sometimes it's just about being the person I want to be instead of being the person someone deserves for me to be.
I will never be able to be the same person I was before this whole mess. And honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I've found strength that I never knew I had. I am more confident than I ever dreamed I'd be. I'm more thoughtful and compassionate than I ever was before. I'm different. I'm better. Other people seem to have noticed too. And I wouldn't be any of these things without the abuse.
All of my combined past experiences - good and bad - have made me who I am today. Sure, I'm still a work in progress - there's no doubt about that. But I really LIKE who I am today. Despite all of the struggle and hurt and pain I've trudged through, I wouldn't change a thing. It's been a tremendously powerful experience. It's been hard as hell, but naturally the things that are genuinely worth it usually are pretty challenging.
Still, it's sometimes hard to remember that I AM lovable. I DO have redeeming qualities. Especially since I've begun my foray back into the world of dating, I've found myself wondering what anyone could possibly see in me. I may not be the prettiest girl on the block. Let's be honest, I never will be. But there's more to being a good companion and a good partner than just being pretty. So when I find myself wondering how anyone could possibly find me attractive or lovable, I try to remind myself that beyond the flaws, I'm a loving and compassionate person who enjoys trying to bring out the best in people. I'm a GOOD person. I know I don't deserve to be treated like crap, but every time I find someone who treats me better than that I feel like I don't deserve that either, so I always seem to end up with assholes. No more. I deserve better. I know I do, and I won't settle for less anymore.
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