Fear

Fear.

...

Fuck

Everything

And

Run

...

Feelings aren't really my strong suit, if I'm being honest (this is a pretty good explanation of why). Seriously, just not a big fan - they're just too complicated and messy and often just not any fun at all. But I feel like fear is one of the emotions I'm pretty well acquainted with - not that I'm exactly excited about that. Even though fear has been my sidekick pretty much my whole life, I guess I've never gotten to know it very well. I've always pretty much let it run the show without giving too much thought to the specifics. 

So what is it exactly that I'm afraid of?

Well...

I'm afraid of judgement. I'm afraid of being judged for the things I've done, but I'm also afraid of being judged for the things I haven't done. I'm afraid of being judged for my trauma and for my responses to the trauma. I'm afraid of being judged for my mental health struggles, especially my self-harm (because once you've had a psychiatrist liken your self-harm to a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, you get a little sensitive to that sort of thing). I'm afraid of being judged for not being "normal" (whatever the hell that even means). 

I'm afraid of trusting people. After all, that's how people get hurt. If I keep everyone at arm's length, it's just plain harder for people to hurt me. Of course, if I don't trust anyone, I lose out on all of the good stuff that comes from trust too - love, support, safety, connection. At some point I've got to start believing the payoff is worth the risk, but for now I'm just not sure I'm brave enough.

I'm afraid of abandonment, particularly emotional abandonment. This one is really scary for me - it's something I've always struggled with. If I let someone in, I have to deal with the chance that they'll see themselves out. I'm afraid of being emotionally exposed and having someone I trust unceremoniously walk right out the door. I get anxiety just thinking about it. I'm just plain terrified of having the rug completely pulled out from under me when I'm most vulnerable. 

I'm afraid of never being "enough." Enough of what, I'm not entirely sure. Enough of ANYTHING, I guess. Not being good enough, smart enough, witty enough, pretty enough, "whatever" enough. I'm constantly afraid of falling short of some imaginary and arbitrary standard by which "enough"s are measured. What I need to be doing is defining my own standards and not giving a shit about anyone else's "enough"s.

I'm afraid of connection/attachment. I mean, I want to feel connected and attached to people, but I find that prospect downright terrifying. But perhaps maybe my fear of connection is really just a fancy, dressed up way of saying that I'm afraid of rejection. Because it's not really the connection I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of being my most real self with someone and just being outright rejected. Not gonna lie, I don't think this one is going anywhere any time soon. 

I'm afraid of being broken. I'm afraid I just don't work "right." I'm afraid other people can see all my broken parts. I'm afraid that I'm not, nor will I ever be, a fully functioning person. The thing is, I'll always be a fully functioning "me" - there's really nothing else I know how to be. I won't be the same from one day to the next but I'll always be "me" - those rough edges are experience, not brokenness. I just need to learn to accept that other people aren't the measuring stick by which I need to judge myself. And for that matter, I could probably stand to judge myself a little less anyway. 

I'm afraid of failing. At my job, as a parent, as a spouse, as a decent human being. And kind of comically, I'm afraid of failing at therapy. What if I don't make progress? What if it doesn't get better? What if I'm "unhelpable"? What if, what if, what if... I could go on for days. Failures are going to happen - and though unpleasant, it's not entirely a bad thing. I've learned a lot more from failures than I ever have from successes. 

I'm afraid of being weird and awkward. I know, I know - those are pretty much my staples. It's practically what defines me. But yeah, I'm afraid that people see me as weird and awkward and just immediately think, "Oh, hell no!" I'm afraid my weirdness is off-putting and will send people running for the hills. And I realize it probably sometimes does - I also realize that those are clearly not my people. I'm not going to be everyone's cup o' tea, but not everyone's going to be mine either. That's just how personalities work. 

I'm afraid of feeling invalidated. I've spent far too much of my life feeling that way and doubting my own feelings and experiences. I sometimes worry that I'll never learn how to trust them. The closer I get to trusting myself, the scarier it becomes to consider the prospect of having all of those feelings and experiences invalidated. 

And I'm absolutely terrified of admitting to anyone - even those I trust - what I'm most afraid of, so there's that too.  *shrug*

I hate being afraid, but some days I feel like it's all I know. Sometimes I just feel frozen with fear. I don't know what to do with it, but I don't know how to put the fear down either. So I just strap it on and carry it around with me and hide behind it because it feels safer than letting anyone else see who I really am. 

Stupid fear.