It's always been something I've thought of as sort of an out of body sort of experience. I've never really experienced that kind of thing, so when dissociation has come up in conversations with my mental health folks, I've always kind of shrugged it off. Nope, no dissociation for me, thankyouverymuch. I say that as if it's ever really been an actual choice.
But the other day I found myself wondering why the hell I can't remember details from the trainwreck that was my first marriage (and beyond). It was absolutely without a doubt an abusive situation on many different levels, despite my desperate attempts to minimize and discount my own experiences. I documented much of it because my brain was such a total mess that I felt like I had to "prove" the abuse to my future self. But when all was said and done, I just couldn't remember the details of almost any of the abuse. The memories just weren't there. Sometimes I remember how I felt afterwards - sometimes I couldn't even remember that much. It was and still is absolutely maddening.
Even now, when discussing my first marriage with my therapist, I'm only able to give a few token examples of the abuse. It barely even scratches the surface - it's just a tiny drop in the bucket of what actually went on - the stuff that wasn't bad enough to completely and totally shut me down. How fucked up must the rest of the shit been? And the answer is, quite honestly, I have no idea. I can imagine, but I can't really even say for sure. How the hell can I even process information that I can't remember. It is just so damn irritating and invalidating. It makes my reactions to everything in my first marriage feel like such an overreaction, not because the abuse didn't happen (because it absolutely did) but because I legitimately do not possess most of the details. The places where those memories should be are just blank. Thinking back to that time, it occurs to me that *I* was just blank.
It truthfully makes me feel a little stupid even bringing it up to my mental health folks. I mean, I don't even know what to say when I'm asked about it.
Generic mental health professional: "So tell me about the abuse in your first marriage."
Me: "I'm sorry, that is not something my brain currently permits me to do. Outlook for the future not so great either."
*shrug*
Apparently that happens with dissociation - that's what I'm told anyway. It's helpful to have a name for it, but it's kind of scary. I mean, there's entire chunks of my life that I honestly just don't remember. It's hugely disorienting, and quite frankly it just kind of pisses me off. I've already lost so much of myself to the fucking abuse - to just now realize that I've lost giant chunks of my memory too? That's some serious bullshit right there. I've been told that dissociation is adaptive and protective, but it's also confusing and frustrating and at this point, honestly kind of obnoxious.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly sad to lose memories of the abuse itself - it's a little invalidating to lose those kinds of details, but I at least get the utility in not remembering that stuff. What really gets me - and I mean REALLY, REALLY gets me - is that tangled up in that mess of abuse was so much of my kids' childhoods. I lost so much of their childhood to the abuse too - so many fun and silly moments with both of them. I know there were good times with the kids. I know we had happy times together. I just didn't get to keep most of those memories, and that just pretty much sucks.
I never really realized how much time I lost until recently - how much of the time in my first marriage just doesn't exist for me anymore. All that's left to do now is mourn and grieve the those parts of my life that I'll never get back.
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