In addition to struggling with depression and anxiety, I've also been fighting random medical issues for over a year and a half now. This was just one of many wonderful experiences I had on the journey to try to figure out what the crap was going on with me.
I had been having random fevers and exhaustion for nearly a year at this point. Full work-ups by an infectious disease doctor, a rheumatologist and hematologist had all come up empty handed. I'd been poked and prodded and imaged and asked countless horrifying questions about discharge and bodily fluids. Nothing. So in a bit of a last ditch effort, my hematologist wanted to do a bone marrow biopsy and aspiration last year just to rule out any unusual blood disorders or cancers. I have the utmost respect for him as he was (and continues to be even after I've seen several additional doctors) the only doctor who has really made any genuine effort to figure out what the hell is going on.
I had been having random fevers and exhaustion for nearly a year at this point. Full work-ups by an infectious disease doctor, a rheumatologist and hematologist had all come up empty handed. I'd been poked and prodded and imaged and asked countless horrifying questions about discharge and bodily fluids. Nothing. So in a bit of a last ditch effort, my hematologist wanted to do a bone marrow biopsy and aspiration last year just to rule out any unusual blood disorders or cancers. I have the utmost respect for him as he was (and continues to be even after I've seen several additional doctors) the only doctor who has really made any genuine effort to figure out what the hell is going on.
There's nothing more awesomely fun than a bone marrow biopsy and aspiration (I keep including the aspiration part because that is actually the part that is most like one of the circles of hell). I swear. It's super fun. A quick word of advice. If, heaven forbid, any of you ever need to have a bone marrow biopsy done, please for the love of all that is holy, do NOT Google it. That is the worst possible thing you could do. Read about it so you know what to expect? Sure. Watch it being done and hear the screams of agony? Really bad idea.
For starters, you know you're in for a bumpy ride when there's a male nurse in the room for the procedure whose entire purpose in being there was to keep the doctor from accidentally pushing me clear off the exam table (and I'm dead serious - that was really his only purpose). That, and the occasional bit of humor to break the tension a little. For those of you who don't know, the marrow and aspirate are collected from the back of the hipbone - also known as the ass. So in addition to the trauma of knowing the agony that was just around the corner, I then had to drop my pants and lay on the exam table with my ass hanging out the back of the medical drape for all the world to see - or at least the doctor and everyone else in the room. So that was pretty awesome - I felt pretty classy.
So they do the procedure to get the aspirate first. In order to figure out where they need to place the needle, they have to feel around to find just the right place on the bone. So on top of laying there in an exam room bare-assed for all to see, now I had my doctor feeling up my ass. And if I wasn't feeling quite uncomfortable enough, the doctor kept making comments about how "deep" my bones were (translation - "damn, you're a fat ass!"). I was feeling even classier at that point. The aspiration process doesn't even look that bad, but it feels like they are sucking your entire insides out - from the tips of your toes up. It was one of the most painful and weirdest things I've ever felt.
Then comes the biopsy, where they actually use a giant needle to drill through your bone to get a bone marrow core sample. Yes, it's as fun as it sounds - maybe even more so. This is where the nurse comes in because it takes a really shocking amount of force to drill that stupid needle through the bone and I can definitely see where a person could get shoved right off the table if you're not careful. About halfway through the drilling, my hematologist made the comment, "I'm surprised you're not cussing me yet!" I very quickly replied, "We've got plenty of time left..." You see, I'm about the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet, which is why naturally, he had to drill THREE separate holes to try to get the sample he needed. To give you an idea of how horrid and kind of violent and forceful it is, between the doctor's second and third attempts, he had to take a break to catch his breath and made some remark about needing to start hitting the gym more often if he had to keep doing too many of those biopsies. Awesome, right?
The one with the green handle is similar to what is used for the biopsy. That is one big-ass needle - like, HUGE. Really glad I forced myself to deal with my fear of needles. And he did that THREE times. Holy crap, it was a nightmare.
But the best part was right after it was done. Because they have to make an incision for the needle, they have to apply a rather enormous pressure bandage. And because of where the doctor had done the procedure (a little lower than usual for some reason - probably so that instead of exposing my lower back, he could expose my entire ass cheek and rob me of any remaining dignity I may have had left), part of the bandage had to literally be put in my ass crack (not on, IN). So if I had any dignity or self-respect left at that point, there it went...right out the door.
I was finally all set to leave. I didn't think I could feel more awkward or violated or free from any actual feelings of worth. Until they asked me who was taking me home...and I told them I was there by myself. Cue the looks of disbelief and pity. That's right. I went by myself and drove myself home and when I told them that, you'd think I was telling them stories of abused puppies or starving kids in third world countries. It was as if it was the saddest thing they'd ever heard. And they to ask me about 5 times - I guess because it was that hard to believe. Because I'm such a winner that I am the only supportive person I could think of to accompany me to a torture-fest. I guess that is kind of pathetic. So there I was, hobbling out of the office with half of my ass completely numb after having my rear exposed to an entire team of medical professionals for the better part of an hour and now feeling like the biggest loser on the planet. Go me!
The best part? I got no answers. No answers from that test, no answers from any tests. None. So I'm pretty sure my doctors all think I'm completely nuts now (and if you believe my neurologist, I'm also a bit of a drug whore). So after a year of searching for answers, I was left with, "Well, if you feel a fever coming on, just pop an Aleve." But hey, scars are sexy, right? I wonder if that's still true if they're on your ass. Probably depends on the ass I guess, so in my case, the answer would be no...
And even though I told you don't ever watch the video if you're ever going to have to get one, I'm including the video that I watched before I got mine done so you can embrace the horror and feel sorry for me and vow to never ever ever get one.
Then comes the biopsy, where they actually use a giant needle to drill through your bone to get a bone marrow core sample. Yes, it's as fun as it sounds - maybe even more so. This is where the nurse comes in because it takes a really shocking amount of force to drill that stupid needle through the bone and I can definitely see where a person could get shoved right off the table if you're not careful. About halfway through the drilling, my hematologist made the comment, "I'm surprised you're not cussing me yet!" I very quickly replied, "We've got plenty of time left..." You see, I'm about the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet, which is why naturally, he had to drill THREE separate holes to try to get the sample he needed. To give you an idea of how horrid and kind of violent and forceful it is, between the doctor's second and third attempts, he had to take a break to catch his breath and made some remark about needing to start hitting the gym more often if he had to keep doing too many of those biopsies. Awesome, right?
The one with the green handle is similar to what is used for the biopsy. That is one big-ass needle - like, HUGE. Really glad I forced myself to deal with my fear of needles. And he did that THREE times. Holy crap, it was a nightmare.
But the best part was right after it was done. Because they have to make an incision for the needle, they have to apply a rather enormous pressure bandage. And because of where the doctor had done the procedure (a little lower than usual for some reason - probably so that instead of exposing my lower back, he could expose my entire ass cheek and rob me of any remaining dignity I may have had left), part of the bandage had to literally be put in my ass crack (not on, IN). So if I had any dignity or self-respect left at that point, there it went...right out the door.
I was finally all set to leave. I didn't think I could feel more awkward or violated or free from any actual feelings of worth. Until they asked me who was taking me home...and I told them I was there by myself. Cue the looks of disbelief and pity. That's right. I went by myself and drove myself home and when I told them that, you'd think I was telling them stories of abused puppies or starving kids in third world countries. It was as if it was the saddest thing they'd ever heard. And they to ask me about 5 times - I guess because it was that hard to believe. Because I'm such a winner that I am the only supportive person I could think of to accompany me to a torture-fest. I guess that is kind of pathetic. So there I was, hobbling out of the office with half of my ass completely numb after having my rear exposed to an entire team of medical professionals for the better part of an hour and now feeling like the biggest loser on the planet. Go me!
The best part? I got no answers. No answers from that test, no answers from any tests. None. So I'm pretty sure my doctors all think I'm completely nuts now (and if you believe my neurologist, I'm also a bit of a drug whore). So after a year of searching for answers, I was left with, "Well, if you feel a fever coming on, just pop an Aleve." But hey, scars are sexy, right? I wonder if that's still true if they're on your ass. Probably depends on the ass I guess, so in my case, the answer would be no...
And even though I told you don't ever watch the video if you're ever going to have to get one, I'm including the video that I watched before I got mine done so you can embrace the horror and feel sorry for me and vow to never ever ever get one.
Ummmm ... ouch!
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