Sometimes when you least expect it, a person will come along and change everything.
I've always been a very meek and reserved person. Never talked much or socialized a lot. I've always been really introspective, and I think I was probably labeled antisocial at a very young age. And I've always had trouble relating to people my age. You could often find me absorbed in a book or music or writing. That was back when I still had some talent for creative things. Growing up, I was always really self-conscious. Those "awkward years" seemed to span pretty much my entire childhood (my hobo poodle years were followed closely by the bowl haircut years which were then followed by the growing-out-the-bowl-haircut years). I always managed to find a way to stick out like a sore thumb yet at the same time be completely invisible.
I spent most of my high school years trying to figure out who I was and largely failing miserably. I spent a lot of time wondering why I never quite fit in. I never did figure it out, except that deep thinking and introspection aren't really "cool" in high school. Nor is dressing like you live in Walmart or just generally putting no thought or effort into your appearance, evidently. In other words, teenagers are generally kind of shallow. I know, I know...I was shocked too. So yeah, I was about as uncool as they come. And back then, that kind of bothered me.
But college was my time to shine. Still quiet, still introspective, still deep thinking...but now in an environment where thinking was a good thing and I was surrounded by lots of people, some of whom also thought from time to time. It took a while, but I really blossomed in college. I did a lot of figuring out who I was and made a point to be able to objectively look at criticisms instead of just absorbing them all. And it was amazing what an impact that little bit of objectivity had. Suddenly I was able to filter out the "well, they're just an asshole" comments from the "yeah, I probably need to work on that" comments. I could work on the things I actually needed to work on and stop worrying about people who had just chosen negativity as a lifestyle. Things were finally headed in the right direction. I was confident, secure in who I was. I was smart and kicking some ass in college. I had a cushy job on campus where I got paid to do my homework and play solitaire on the computer. Life was starting to come together.
And that's when it all started to unravel. I met that one person - the one that would change everything. The one that would send me spiraling downward faster and farther than I ever imagined possible. Of course, it didn't start out that way. It almost never does. Everything seemed fantastic - perfect, even. But that's how they reel you in. That's how they get you hooked - because they have to get you hooked first. And holy shit, once you're hooked, you're a goner. The sad thing is, you don't even realize it until you're already almost too far gone. What's even more sad is that some people never realize it.
You see, once you're hooked, that's when the real fun starts because they know they've got you. They KNOW it, they count on it...and they feed off of it. They live for that shit. They know exactly how to draw you in and make you think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Because that's how they groom you. They groom you to defend them, to believe them, to give up anything for them. That's how they make it so that when you fall, you'll fall hard. But they're so good at it and the manipulation is so subtle at first, that it's usually hard to realize until it's way too late.
That's how it was for me, anyway. For the longest time, I believed the lies. I believed that everything was my fault. That if I had only been better at this thing or that thing that everything would be different. That when I was called a bitch or a dumb fuck or blamed for things I couldn't possibly be responsible for or accused of outrageous things, somehow I deserved those things. I'm not sure how I worked that out in my head. Looking back it seems ridiculous but at the time, it made complete sense. But that's what makes people like this so powerful and so dangerous. Their behavior is so vile, you would think you could spot them from a mile away. That's the thing - they can turn on the charm like a light switch when it benefits them. That's how they're able to draw people in so easily. That's how they're able to make you think you're crazy.
And my goodness, they're good at that - making you think you're crazy. Every time I'd say something about the behavior, I got nothing but denial - I was obviously just making things up. I started doubting everything. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I was hypersensitive. Maybe I had really gone off the deep end. I had been isolated from family and friends. I really had nobody to validate anything I thought or felt. All I had was someone telling me that I was losing my mind...and I was starting to believe him.
Before I knew it, I was gone. The girl I had worked so hard to discover was nowhere to be found. The one that busted her ass in college to be the very best she could be. The one that believed that she was smart and likable and had hope for her future. The one who was meek and quiet but had sharp wit that never ceased to catch people off guard. She was long, long gone. It's a shame because I kind of liked her. But I couldn't see her anymore and I have no idea where she went. I couldn't even really tell you how long she had been gone. Maybe I'm repressing some of those things. Maybe my memory just sucks. Probably a little bit of both. Regardless, that entire period of my life is a bit of a haze now. Honestly, it's probably better that way.
Sometimes when you least expect it, someone will knock you off balance and make you question everything. The person you thought would lift you up instead pushes you down every time you try to lift yourself to your feet. Sometimes when you least expect it, life leaves you hopeless.
(On to part two here...)
But college was my time to shine. Still quiet, still introspective, still deep thinking...but now in an environment where thinking was a good thing and I was surrounded by lots of people, some of whom also thought from time to time. It took a while, but I really blossomed in college. I did a lot of figuring out who I was and made a point to be able to objectively look at criticisms instead of just absorbing them all. And it was amazing what an impact that little bit of objectivity had. Suddenly I was able to filter out the "well, they're just an asshole" comments from the "yeah, I probably need to work on that" comments. I could work on the things I actually needed to work on and stop worrying about people who had just chosen negativity as a lifestyle. Things were finally headed in the right direction. I was confident, secure in who I was. I was smart and kicking some ass in college. I had a cushy job on campus where I got paid to do my homework and play solitaire on the computer. Life was starting to come together.
And that's when it all started to unravel. I met that one person - the one that would change everything. The one that would send me spiraling downward faster and farther than I ever imagined possible. Of course, it didn't start out that way. It almost never does. Everything seemed fantastic - perfect, even. But that's how they reel you in. That's how they get you hooked - because they have to get you hooked first. And holy shit, once you're hooked, you're a goner. The sad thing is, you don't even realize it until you're already almost too far gone. What's even more sad is that some people never realize it.
You see, once you're hooked, that's when the real fun starts because they know they've got you. They KNOW it, they count on it...and they feed off of it. They live for that shit. They know exactly how to draw you in and make you think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Because that's how they groom you. They groom you to defend them, to believe them, to give up anything for them. That's how they make it so that when you fall, you'll fall hard. But they're so good at it and the manipulation is so subtle at first, that it's usually hard to realize until it's way too late.
That's how it was for me, anyway. For the longest time, I believed the lies. I believed that everything was my fault. That if I had only been better at this thing or that thing that everything would be different. That when I was called a bitch or a dumb fuck or blamed for things I couldn't possibly be responsible for or accused of outrageous things, somehow I deserved those things. I'm not sure how I worked that out in my head. Looking back it seems ridiculous but at the time, it made complete sense. But that's what makes people like this so powerful and so dangerous. Their behavior is so vile, you would think you could spot them from a mile away. That's the thing - they can turn on the charm like a light switch when it benefits them. That's how they're able to draw people in so easily. That's how they're able to make you think you're crazy.
And my goodness, they're good at that - making you think you're crazy. Every time I'd say something about the behavior, I got nothing but denial - I was obviously just making things up. I started doubting everything. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I was hypersensitive. Maybe I had really gone off the deep end. I had been isolated from family and friends. I really had nobody to validate anything I thought or felt. All I had was someone telling me that I was losing my mind...and I was starting to believe him.
Before I knew it, I was gone. The girl I had worked so hard to discover was nowhere to be found. The one that busted her ass in college to be the very best she could be. The one that believed that she was smart and likable and had hope for her future. The one who was meek and quiet but had sharp wit that never ceased to catch people off guard. She was long, long gone. It's a shame because I kind of liked her. But I couldn't see her anymore and I have no idea where she went. I couldn't even really tell you how long she had been gone. Maybe I'm repressing some of those things. Maybe my memory just sucks. Probably a little bit of both. Regardless, that entire period of my life is a bit of a haze now. Honestly, it's probably better that way.
Sometimes when you least expect it, someone will knock you off balance and make you question everything. The person you thought would lift you up instead pushes you down every time you try to lift yourself to your feet. Sometimes when you least expect it, life leaves you hopeless.
(On to part two here...)
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