Rainbows And Unicorns Are Hard

I've always wanted to start a blog but never really felt like I had anything worthwhile to say.  I mean, what's more sad than pouring out your innermost thoughts, feelings, and smartass-ness only to be told you're completely lame?  I still don't have a damn thing to say - I've just decided to not care.  I've embraced my lameness.  

I decided that this week would be a great week to come out.  No, no...not like that.  That's how rumors get started.  No, what I mean is it seemed like as good a time as any to come out and be more open about my struggles with depression and anxiety.  You see, yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day.  I celebrated the day by, you know, not killing myself.  Big deal, right?  Except that for those of us who have been there at that point, it really kind of is a big deal.  It's hard to explain to other people how simply surviving the day can count as an "accomplishment," but believe me, it does.  Especially these days.  It's been a really difficult couple of years on so many different levels.  But for those of us who have been at that point where life just seems pointless, every day that passes without entertaining those thoughts, or just each day resisting those temptations is a reason to celebrate.  So when I say that I celebrated the day by choosing to live, I say it with complete and absolute sincerity.  Some days it’s a harder choice than others but every day I make that choice is reason to celebrate.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard people tell me to "cheer up" or "snap out of it."  I've been told that I don't "pray enough" and that I must just enjoy being depressed.  Because it's such a kick-ass time, lemme tell you.  It's hard to try to explain it to someone who's never experienced it.  Most people seem to confuse depression with sadness.  Not the same thing.  At all.  Depression is much more than just being sad.  And it's not as easy as "just cheering up."  Believe it or not, trying to be happy has crossed our minds.  We've tried.  And people telling me I'm just not trying enough?  You may as well just scream "YOU SUCK!" in my face because that's what it feels like.  I think a lot of people shy away from people with depression because they just don't know what to do.  The thing is, you don't have to do anything - just be there. 

On of my friends put it perfectly:
"Depression is a lot like moving…. in the rain.
You tell people about it. Most say they will be there when it's time.
You feel confident and supported; all of these friends will be there to help.
Then the day comes and few, if any, show up.

They have their reasoning. "I can't be there the whole time"… "I wouldn't really be able to help anyway"… "I'm sure they've got plenty of help"… "Other people who know them better will be there"…

So you pack your u-haul alone…in the rain.

But you don't have to be there the whole time. You don't have to have any special training or remarkable skills. You don't have to do anything, other than just show up, like you said you would. Just show up, like they did for you. If you think, and certainly if you KNOW that someone is going through a hard time, don't let them do it alone...in the rain."

For those of us who struggle with depression and have been at the edge, rainbows and unicorns are hard.  They just are.  We like rainbows and unicorns as much as the next guy, but it doesn't come naturally.  It's not a character flaw.  It's not that we just woke up this morning and said, "Yup - I'm gonna suck today and totally hate life!"  People forget that depression is a medical condition.  I know mine is definitely exacerbated by my own person situation.  So with me already being predisposed to depression, I really didn't stand a chance.  Trying to do rainbows and unicorns with depression is like trying to draw a picture with your toes - it's frustrating and unfulfilling and just ends up making you feel kind of lame (unless you happen to be awesome and actually can draw with your toes, in which case you're probably entirely too sophisticated for this blog anyway).

I know what you're thinking - how I'm so sweet for letting my six year-old illustrate my very first blog post.  Well, screw you - I worked really hard on that picture!  Seriously, though - that's how I feel about my life.  When I try to make my life rainbows and unicorns, I get a rainbow that looks like Skittle shit and an obese stick unicorn with a really oddly shaped ass.  For the record, I sadly did not draw that picture with my toes.  That's all me, baby.  That's the best I could do even with some mildly sincere effort.  

So I celebrated yesterday by living, by putting one foot in front of the other and trudging through.  I will celebrate today the same way and hope like hell I do the same tomorrow and the next day.  And as the days go by, I hope I'll pick up some supportive people that will help me move in the rain.