Sometimes I think life throws us a curve ball just to keep us on our toes. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad - and sometimes they just are.
Lately, it seems like it's been a bit of everything. I've been on the verge of a complete and total shutdown for about a week now. Nearly constantly on the verge of tears. People who know me know that this isn't even remotely typical of me. Depressed? Absolutely. Anxious? Without a doubt. On the verge of tears? Hell no. I won't allow it. Except that my brain has other ideas lately. It doesn't care whether I hate feeling vulnerable. It doesn't care if crying leaves me completely raw. It doesn't care. It does what it wants. I can't figure out why everything has been such a struggle. I really feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I can't figure out why. I wake up in the morning feeling like there's no way I'll be able to make it through the day - drowning in anxiety and barely able to function, spending most of the day feeling like I'm suffocating. When they day is finally over, I lay in bed with my mind racing entirely too fast to allow for actual rest. And when I finally fall asleep from utter exhaustion, I undoubtedly continue to awake hourly - you know, just for fun. Lather, rinse, repeat. Every day the same routine.
But mixed in there have been some other little curve balls. Interesting little distractions to break up the near constant anxiety and hopelessness. For instance, today I had a conversation with a total stranger about goat on goat violence. Because that's completely normal, right? Under regular circumstances, I probably would have just thought, "What the crap is going on here?" and moved on. But today I played along. Why not, right? And it was a very odd but extremely welcome, albeit brief, break from the desperation and urges to self-harm that I've been fighting for the last week or two. So what exactly does a conversation about goat on goat violence look like, you ask?
Me: It's a goat with a death ray. I suppose, though, that the goat's death ray could be used to kill other goats, though that seems senselessly violent...
B: Goat on goat violence
Me: Animal on animal violence has just gotten out of hand. You can barely turn on the news without hearing about a death ray goat murder or unicorn shanking... It's shameful.
B: It's a damn shame
Me: It is. When will the insanity end?
B: Not till we restrict goat death ray sales
Me: Does the second amendment apply to goats? I mean, goats are people too, right?
B: Nope goats are goats.
Me: That seems so restrictive and short sighted
B: I must be speciest
Me: I wasn't going to call you out on it, but since you said it...
B: I have a problem
Me: Besides being a speciest?
B: No that's about it.
So yeah, that conversation totally happened today, and it was weirdly refreshing. It took just enough of the edge off of the crushing anxiety to allow me to feel human again...just for a short time. I felt like a really freaking weird human, but a human nevertheless. And let's face it, I should consider myself lucky to even be that right now. After all, beggars can't be choosers, right?
I'm also going to share a little secret here. The ability to have a conversation like the one above with a complete stranger probably tells me more about my ability to get along with them than any kind of actual meaningful conversation. I mean, it's awesome that you love kittens and butterflies and that your favorite color is "tickle me pink" and that you have three brothers and a sister and fourteen fish (all of whom you've named and greet personally each morning), but I don't care. I just don't. The ability to take something weird and random and run with it is just one of those things I think can really give unusual insight into a person's personality, and it's just plain fun. That's the sort of thing I care about.
So if you're weird and random, you're officially "my people." My condolences to all of you that just realized you're part of my crowd...it's scary at first, but you'll learn to love it.
So yeah, that conversation totally happened today, and it was weirdly refreshing. It took just enough of the edge off of the crushing anxiety to allow me to feel human again...just for a short time. I felt like a really freaking weird human, but a human nevertheless. And let's face it, I should consider myself lucky to even be that right now. After all, beggars can't be choosers, right?
I'm also going to share a little secret here. The ability to have a conversation like the one above with a complete stranger probably tells me more about my ability to get along with them than any kind of actual meaningful conversation. I mean, it's awesome that you love kittens and butterflies and that your favorite color is "tickle me pink" and that you have three brothers and a sister and fourteen fish (all of whom you've named and greet personally each morning), but I don't care. I just don't. The ability to take something weird and random and run with it is just one of those things I think can really give unusual insight into a person's personality, and it's just plain fun. That's the sort of thing I care about.
So if you're weird and random, you're officially "my people." My condolences to all of you that just realized you're part of my crowd...it's scary at first, but you'll learn to love it.
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