One is the Loneliest Number

I think this is sort of a recurring theme for me. Well, actually, I know it is. It's just how I roll, I guess. We all grow up with great aspirations as children, hoping to achieve greatness, receive accolades - the works. We all want to excel at something. As for me? Well, I'm an expert at "alone." Yup. That's my big accomplishment. I know, I know. It's super glamorous, but try to contain your jealousy.

Not surprisingly, it's not really the goal I had for myself growing up. For years, I entertained silly fantasies like being a doctor or police officer. But as it turns out, I had no aptitude for those sorts of things. No, sir. What I was best at - what I've always been best at, it seems - is being alone. And you bet your ass I'm pretty damn awesome at it.

My high school aptitude test should have been an indication that my childhood aspirations weren't really in line with my "special" set of skills. "You want a job working with people? How about mortician? Wait, what, you wanted to work with people that are still alive? Well, I guess now you know to be more specific with your dreams and aspirations now, huh?" Well, fuck you, life, and your flair for the smart ass. You suck and I'm not amused. Okay, I'm mildly amused, but mostly in between curse words and disapproving glances.

But it does kind of seem like a special talent to be able to feel completely and totally alone despite being surrounded by people. Of course, not all special talents are GOOD talents. You need only watch an episode of "Jackass" for confirmation of that. Because I'm a dork, I actually looked up the official definition in the dictionary - "a special natural ability or aptitude." Yup. That's me. Someone with a special natural ability to feel alone - always. Do they give out certificates for things like that? They should. "Most likely to be lonely." I think maybe that would soften the blow.

I honestly can't even explain how I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people. Maybe it's that people just don't seem to "get" me. Maybe it's because I've just never fit in. Maybe it's just because lonely just what I know or because I'm scared to believe that anyone would actually care. Perhaps I'm scared that if someone actually did care, I might have to deal with the constant paranoia of wondering when they'd bail on me. Part of it is just my innate personality, but part of it is just me actively, though subconsciously, pushing people away. You see, acting in completely counterintuitive ways seems to be one of my other gifts.

I'm still trying to figure out how to let my guard down enough to let someone crack through this tough outer shell. Heaven knows people are trying and I'm trying to let them. Maybe I've finally found the right person. The person patient enough to understand that underneath all of that crap there's a person worth knowing, worth caring about, worth loving.

One may be the loneliest number, but maybe it doesn't have to be MY number anymore...