One Person Can Change Everything - Part 3

I really hadn't planned on writing a third installment to this series, but let's be honest, having a three part series on my blog makes me feel kind of legit, like I have some sort of grand plan. And really, some posts just beg to be written (other ones seem to make people beg me to stop).

 

Anyway, sometimes in life I find that I just resign myself to the mediocre. After all, it's certainly better than where I've been, and some people might say that mediocre is what I do best. Of course, those people are assholes, but I digress... I resign myself to the mediocre because I don't feel like I am worthy of anything more than mediocrity. It's why I've always settled.  Prime rib? That fancy shit is for someone else. Hot dog made from cow hooves and chicken lips? That's more my style. Settling. It's just what I've always done. I didn't know it could be any different. 

 

I had already started perusing the catalog for my crazy cat lady starter kit, and my best friend had promised to help me build an impressive collection of ceramic cat figurines to adorn my home and office. I'd decided to paint their eyes with glow in the dark paint and position them strategically around the house. Why, you ask? No particular reason besides the fact that it seems like something fun to do to creep out visitors. I say that like I actually have visitors...

 

It's interesting to me to look back over the last few years. I don't even recognize the person I was when I started this journey. Meek and quiet, hell bent on just blending in. Scared of being noticed, scared of rocking the boat. Terrified to speak for fear I'd day the wrong thing and unleash the "beast". Convinced I didn't - nor would I ever - have anything to offer anyone. Buying into the lie that I was stupid and wouldn't ever amount to anything. Raging against myself in every way humanly possible because I felt like somehow I deserved it. Believing that I deserved to be abused. Believing that it was my fault and living each day in fear, all the while doing my best to put on a happy face so nobody would know how bad things had gotten. 

Since the divorce, I've dated a bit, but really more to pass the time than anything else. I never had any particular intention of falling for someone and living happily ever after. I just figured I may as well entertain myself and meet some new people in the process. I find people fascinating, so I just considered this an extension of my people-watching hobby. My dreams of happily ever after were shattered by the abuse along with my ability to trust and allow myself to be vulnerable. That's part of the reason I never had any intention of falling for someone - transparency requires vulnerability and vulnerability is a scary thing and I've had enough scary things to last me a very long time. But sometimes life decides that it doesn't really give a crap what my intentions are. And for once, I'm actually really thankful for that. 

I'm glad that life had different plans for me this time around. Because it means that I got to meet someone absolutely amazing. It means that I found someone who is perfectly matched for me. He's wonderfully goofy and geeky and sweet and is the only person I've ever met that has made me feel completely and totally at ease from the moment we first met. When I look at him I see everything I've ever wanted in a man. When I'm in his arms, I feel safer than I've ever felt before. 

Good old online dating. It's bound to work for some people, right? I admit that I was skeptical. Very skeptical. And since I was skeptical, I didn't generally put a whole lot of effort into the whole online dating thing. But for some reason that day was different. He caught my eye immediately. I couldn't tell you why really. My type is more of an "I'll know it when I meet him" sort of thing. And I did something really unusual for me. I sat down and took some time to send him a note, trying my best to be thoughtful and let my odd sort of personality shine. And then something even more unusual happened. He responded. 

We went back and forth a bit through messages and then made plans to meet in person. The horrifically anxiety-provoking first meet-up. We decided to meet for a cup of coffee and then see from there if we wanted to continue on from there. I was kind of terrified of rejection, so the entire drive to the date, I kept trying to prepare myself to hear, "Yeah, it was nice to meet you, but I've got to go..." at the end of coffee. As a total introvert, social situations aren't exactly where I feel most at home, so I worried that I wouldn't have any idea what to say. What if I'm boring? What if he thinks I'm ugly? What if I'm a complete and utter disappointment? What if? What if? What if?

The minute we sat down at the table together, all of the fears melted away. In front of me sat the most easy to talk to person I've ever met in my life. Before long, we were swapping work stories and sharing unicorn pictures (I swear I'm not lying about the unicorn pictures). It felt more like coffee with an old friend than a first date with a stranger. So we coffeed and chatted...and chatted and chatted and chatted. And museumed and ate and beered and pooled and coffeed some more. And eight and a half hours later, we ended our very first date with a hug and butterflies in my stomach.

I can't explain the level of comfort or connection that was present from the very first time we met. It was foreign to me. Foreign, but wonderful. For the first time in a long time, I was able to look at someone and see a future. It's weird when something like that sneaks up on you. I didn't think a person like that existed. Someone that I felt immediately comfortable with. Someone I didn't feel was judging me. Someone who seemed to feel just as comfortable with me as I did with him. And, of course, someone that I was undeniably attracted to. 

I don't understand what he sees in me. I don't know why he'd choose to be with someone with so much baggage. I don't know. It makes no sense to me. But he makes sure I know that he does choose me. When he sees me struggling, he reminds me that he loves me and that he's there for me. I don't feel like I deserve it, but I'm glad he does. I trust him more than I can explain, and I'm trying to learn to believe him when he tells me he loves me and wants to be there to support me. 

It seems like every time I feel like I'm getting things back under control, life throws me a curve ball and knocks me totally off balance. At least this time, it's been a good thing. It's a crazy and scary ride and it's been completely surreal, but it's been amazing.