Sometimes it's the fewest words that can have the biggest impact. Just a handful of words can stay with a person for a lifetime. Words have immense power. I think sometimes we forget that. Words can be life-affirming or tremendously damning, and we could all use a reminder to choose wisely.
"You're worthless."
This one hits me at my core. Every. Single. Time. It plays on my deepest and most powerful insecurities and confirms what I've always feared - that I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. Scratch that. I'll never be good enough - for some people. Those are the people that don't deserve my time or attention. The people that matter will always be able to see my worth even when I'm up to my eyeballs in the ugly stuff and can't see it for myself. That's what love is.
"I hate you."
Nobody likes to feel hated. It's just a crappy feeling. It doesn't matter whether you feel like you deserve it or not. It just sucks. This has been one of my oldest's favorite things to say to me since the divorce. I know he doesn't mean it - he's a kid and they say all kinds of crazy things - but it still feels like I'm being gutted every time he says it. It doesn't help that it's generally been taking all of my effort lately to keep from hating myself for no particular reason at all, so there's that. Ouch. Just ouch.
"You're a whore."
I still scratch my head at this one. I really do. And I'm not sure why something that is so completely and utterly untrue still manages to make me feel crappy. Even through the abuse and feeling completely unloved, I was never once unfaithful. Not once. Loyalty and trustworthiness are very important things to me, whether the other person deserves them or not. It's about being a person that I'm proud to be instead of being the person others deserve for me to be. So no, I'm not a whore by a long stretch, but those words still pack a punch. Those words make me feel like my integrity is being steamrolled, and my integrity is one of the things in which I take great pride.
"You deserved it."
Few phrases will stop me dead in my tracks, but this one will do it every time. Every. Single. Time. It plays on my deepest and most deep seated insecurities. I've struggled for so long feeling like it MUST be my fault. I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that someone could actually treat another human being like that. So I had to have done something to deserve it, right? Wrong. Very wrong. But still, it's hard for me to believe that. It's hard to accept that there is nothing I did to deserve it. It's hard to believe that some people just treat other people poorly for no good reason at all. Because they're assholes. Because they weren't hugged enough as a child. Just because.
"There's no shame here."
I remember the first time my therapist said those words to me when I was at what was probably the lowest point I've ever been at. It's been over a year since she said those words to me but they've stuck with me. The most important lesson she ever taught me is that there's no shame in surviving. None. The scars I have aren't shameful reminders of my weakness. They are battle scars. They are a reminder of how hard I've fought to get where I am today. Sometimes survival is ugly, but it's never shameful.
"You're not alone anymore."
I still can't wrap my brain around this one. I just can't. I want to, and I'm trying but it's just not sinking in. I've been so used to doing it all on my own for so long that it's hard for me to let go. Being run down has become as much a part of my identity as anything else. So while the idea that someone wants to help me is monumental, it's also a little scary. Okay, it's a lot scary. I'm scared to let someone that close. I'm scared that I'll get used to having help just to have it yanked away. It's what I've waited so long for - to not be alone anymore. And yet it's completely and totally terrifying.
"I am here for you."
I've spent most of my life fending for myself and trying to scratch and claw my way up from the depths all by myself. It's not that I've never had someone say these words to me before. It's just that I've never had anyone really, truly mean them. They've always come with unspoken caveats. I am here for you - as long as it's convenient for me. I am here for you - as long as it's easy. I am here for you - as long as it doesn't require much time or effort. I'm just starting to get a glimpse of what "I am here for you" really means. Because really being there for someone means doing it without conditions or caveats.
"I choose you."
I remember playing kickball every day in elementary school at recess back when recess was a thing and schools valued physical activity. We would all line up for the dreaded "choosing of the teams" ritual. I hated it. I was not the most athletically gifted child (I know, I know - it's shocking, but I thought you should know the truth). Every day I feared I'd end up being the leftover. The one person who wasn't actually chosen at all. The one person that a team just got stuck with. "I choose you" were three of the sweetest words a chubby, awkward fourth-grader could hear during the team-choosing ceremonies. The truth is that those words still evoke the same response even now. They still have the power to make me feel worthy and appreciated. They still mean that someone out there can see some potential in me.
So choose wisely. Your words say much more about you than they do the person you're talking about.
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