*sigh*

Today marks my first Mother's Day as an official card-carrying member of the single mom's club. And while I know I should be focusing on all of the positive changes that I've been able to make for both me and my kids over this past year, I can't help but feel like I've failed them by keeping them in such a bad situation for as long as I did. I can't help but feel like I'm to blame because I wasn't strong enough to get out sooner. I know, I know. Thinking like that isn't going to do anyone any good. I'm finding that Mother's Day in general seems to be a bit of a trigger for me, dredging up all kinds of fears and insecurities that I normally push aside just so I can actually function. Suffice it to say, there probably won't be a lot of functioning going on today.

My kids have seen and heard things that kids should never have to hear. Their dad told the kids I didn't love them. He told our oldest that I would throw him down the stairs. He accused me of beating them. They heard him tell me that I should kill myself and heard him threaten to kill himself. He screamed and threw things right in front of them. They heard him accuse me of being a whore. I can still see the terror in their faces. I can hear them crying in fear. And even just the memory of it breaks my heart. They were subjected to it because I wasn't strong enough. Mom of the year material right here. What kind of person lets their kids be subjected to that? Apparently, people like me... I don't think I'll ever completely stop kicking myself for letting the kids be exposed to those sorts of things.

But better late than never right? Admittedly it took me a really long time to get my shit together. After all, there was a lot of shit to get together. But I did it. I have made my focus this last year giving the boys a safe place to be who they are and feel whatever they need, even if it's hard for me. I'll never get used to the "I hate you" and the "I like daddy better." But the important thing is that my kids know that my place is a safe place to feel those things. Even if it hurts me to hear those things, I will never get upset with them for having those feelings. They're hurt and confused and they don't understand. My kids are fed and clothes and bathed and showered in hugs and kisses (even when they don't want them sometimes). I try to remind myself that it's a good thing that they feel safe enough at home now to express themselves, even when they say things that are hard for me to hear. They feel safe. That alone is amazing.

Maybe someday someone will convince me that I'm doing okay and that none of these super moms are nearly as "together" as they seem to be. Maybe someday I'll feel adequate as a mom, like I somehow finally measure up. But one thing is for certain - that day isn't today. I know I'm doing the best I can for my kids right now, but it feels woefully inadequate. I feel woefully inadequate.

So on this day when people everywhere are celebrating motherhood, I'm reliving the fear and pain and hurt of the last ten years of my life. And I'm hoping like hell that someday my kids will forgive me for the pain they had to endure because I couldn't be strong enough for them. Until then, it feels a little wrong for me to celebrate motherhood and Mother's Day is more depressing than anything else...