I've been journaling daily for a few months now to try to sort things out in my head - I guess it's therapeutic on some level. I figured, what the hell, why not post my journal entry for today. It's probably way more than anyone wanted to know about my thought process, but I guess part of me hopes that maybe posting some of my journal entries from time to time might help people understand the thought process of a depressed person. Because maybe if people understand more, they'll judge less. Hopefully. Either that or people won't understand at all and they'll judge more and try to have me committed. But whatever - straight jackets and padded rooms could be fun.
Crash and burn. It feels like that's going to be the order of the day. I'd like to say that it's related to the fact that I didn't get to sleep until 2am last night, leaving just a few short hours to sleep before the alarm went off at 5:30, but deep down I know that's not it. I don't entirely know what it actually is but it isn't that. I should be happy now, right? Things should be easier, better. I should be on the upswing. I should be riding a unicorn across puffy white clouds into the sunset. But I'm not. Not even close.
The first thing one of my coworkers said to me this morning when I saw her was "You don't look any happier." And I'm not. I'm not happier. If anything, I'm more worn out and exhausted and confused and afraid. What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously, what's my problem? I'm tired. It's hard to jump right into the single parenthood thing without any chance to recuperate and have a chance to be less exhausted for once. It's hard to not be bitter and resentful that my husband gets all the time in the world to relax by himself - that's apparently his reward for treating me like shit for years. Meanwhile I'm busting my ass and running myself further into the ground. I'm frustrated that he's already trying to make excuses not to take his time with the kids. I'm frustrated that this whole new routine is starting off pretty rocky for me. I'm frustrated that I'll likely have two cages full of dog mess to clean up this evening because I'm not used to making sure my oldest lets them out in the morning. But I suppose I have nobody to blame but myself. After all, I guess it was my decision.
It's not like it's a big shocker that I still feel like shit. It's always like this with change. Except usually my baseline isn't quite so low. Going downhill from where I am now is crazy scary because I already feel so low. I'm sure I'll make it through. Somehow I always do, even when I don't feel like it. But if just making it through is all I can hope to expect from life, I'm not sure I really see the point in it. I'll make it through because that's what people expect of me, not because that's what I want. I'll keep putting myself through the wringer, torturing myself - all because people just expect me to stay alive - it's what I'm supposed to do. It's not necessarily because they want me alive. It's just because that's just what people do - they live - and it would be shameful to do otherwise. How ironic that I'm going through all of this trouble to stop looking to other people for validation and approval and yet that's exactly the thing that's keeping me around at all.
Maybe that's part of my fear too. Maybe I'm afraid that if I really do get past that need for approval and acceptance from other people, there really won't be anything stopping me from taking that next step and actually going through with it. I guess that's part of the fear that I never really identified until just now. Maybe that's why progress seems so scary to me. I'm scared to death that I'll get past caring what other people think entirely only to have a crash and burn moment and end it all because really, why not if I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. Obviously, logically I know the answer to the question "Why not?" but is logic always going to be enough?
Maybe that's part of my fear too. Maybe I'm afraid that if I really do get past that need for approval and acceptance from other people, there really won't be anything stopping me from taking that next step and actually going through with it. I guess that's part of the fear that I never really identified until just now. Maybe that's why progress seems so scary to me. I'm scared to death that I'll get past caring what other people think entirely only to have a crash and burn moment and end it all because really, why not if I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. Obviously, logically I know the answer to the question "Why not?" but is logic always going to be enough?
Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I crash and burn like this? I don't get it. I can't put my finger on any specific thing and that just makes it more frustrating. I know I'll be asked why I'm doing worse tomorrow in therapy and I won't have an answer. I don't know why. I really don't. I'm just breaking down. I've been better at seeing it coming lately but this one really snuck up on me and it's biting me in the ass in a really big way. I guess that's the fun thing about the element of surprise. It catches you off guard, knocks you off balance.
But I guess that's one of the things people who've never really felt the tight grip of depression don't usually understand. There's not always some big impressive trigger. There's not always a clear "why." Sometimes depression just is. It's like a fog that follows you around and keeps you from being able to see the beauty that's all around you. And there's no escaping it. It's not like a toxic relationship where you can just cut it off and move on. It's part of you. It's woven itself through your head and heart and there no way to escape without ripping yourself apart. But that's what's hard to understand sometimes. People understand feeling depressed, but most people understand it in the context of cause and effect. This thing happened and it caused me to be depressed. But for so many of us that struggle with major depression, it often doesn't work that way. And it's exceedingly frustrating when people ask what's wrong and you have absolutely no idea what to tell them. It's frustrating for everyone. Sometimes depression just is. It's simple...and also ridiculously complicated.
But I guess that's one of the things people who've never really felt the tight grip of depression don't usually understand. There's not always some big impressive trigger. There's not always a clear "why." Sometimes depression just is. It's like a fog that follows you around and keeps you from being able to see the beauty that's all around you. And there's no escaping it. It's not like a toxic relationship where you can just cut it off and move on. It's part of you. It's woven itself through your head and heart and there no way to escape without ripping yourself apart. But that's what's hard to understand sometimes. People understand feeling depressed, but most people understand it in the context of cause and effect. This thing happened and it caused me to be depressed. But for so many of us that struggle with major depression, it often doesn't work that way. And it's exceedingly frustrating when people ask what's wrong and you have absolutely no idea what to tell them. It's frustrating for everyone. Sometimes depression just is. It's simple...and also ridiculously complicated.
I expected to at least see some difference after a full week on the higher dose of meds. Not anything dramatic, but something. Instead if anything I feel worse. I don't know if it's the meds or the change or a combination or if it's just the way life often goes for me. I wish I knew how to fix it. I'm trying to reason my way out of it but logic is no match for this feeling. It's time to bury myself in a pillow fort with my crayons again, I guess. I'll come out when I'm five years old again.
The anxiety is starting to set in. I can feel it. Physically feel it. My chest is tightening. Breathing feels harder. I'm feeling panicked and suffocated. I know I'm not suffocating, of course, but the knowing doesn't make any difference. I feel like I've been backed into a corner with no way out. I'm trying to concentrate on getting past the anxiety but I feel like I'm running in place. I try slipping away to a quiet dark place to compose myself, but over the past year, the anxiety has come with visual disturbances - flashing lights mostly - that keep me from being able to truly relax. It's like trying to relax with someone flashing a strobe light right in front of your face. Something just isn't right. I'm just not right. And I wonder if I ever will be. I don't even know if this is a fight that can be won or if it's just something that will follow me around until the bitter end.
I'm not reaching out because I know everyone must be tired of me right now. I don't want to drag people down or push people away so I'm keeping them at arm's length. It's probably the worst thing I can do right now, but I'm so terrified of losing the few people that actually seem to care that I don't want to overdo it and push them away. I'm terrified of having absolutely nobody again, although if I can't reach out at times like this, I'm not sure what good it does me to have people that care. But I'm still scared of chasing people away. I'm terrified of being seen as too needy. I'm terrified of being seen as weak, although with my blog, that ship has probably already sailed. At the same time, I can't do it myself no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I don't want to bring anyone else down with my bullshit. I just can't do it alone. I thought maybe once I got to this point I'd be able to but I can't. I can't and yet still keep it all to myself even though I know that doesn't work. It's never worked, but I keep doing it over and over hoping that maybe this time will be different. And somehow I'm still always surprised when it ends the same way it always has.
And so it goes. Another day down. Another day closer to a future I don't especially care about right now. Another day of running myself into the ground. Another day hoping that this isn't as good as it gets for me. Just another day to mark off the calendar. And I'll wake up tomorrow and do it all over again...because that's what the world expects me to do.
And because I'm feeling nostalgic and this song seemed fitting (and because there's a unicorn in the video and obviously I'm all about the unicorns)...
And because I'm feeling nostalgic and this song seemed fitting (and because there's a unicorn in the video and obviously I'm all about the unicorns)...
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