First things first - I reached 1000 views last week.. Impressive, right? Probably not so much when you consider that probably 500 of those were probably from me, but hey, doesn't matter how you get there, right?
Anyway, I'm back from taking a brief hiatus to have a small-ish complete and total meltdown. Complete and total meltdowns are the most awesome and exciting kinds!
I mentioned last week about how even when I know I should try to reach out to people, I tend to stay in my little cocoon. It's the absolute worst possible thing I could do at times like these, and yet I do it anyway. Fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of just pain old driving people mad - all of it factors in. Because part of me feels like the potential for these things is scarier than the alternative. That part of me is admittedly pretty stupid because I don't know that anything is really scarier than the alternative. And certainly there are people out there who wouldn't judge, wouldn't reject and at least wouldn't admit that I'm driving them crazy. Even more, there are people out there who would understand. And I still make the same stupid choice I always have. I try to go hide under a rock until the world seems less scary - or until I've completely given up on the idea of hope, but hopefully the world being less scary option.
Anyway, I'm back from taking a brief hiatus to have a small-ish complete and total meltdown. Complete and total meltdowns are the most awesome and exciting kinds!
I mentioned last week about how even when I know I should try to reach out to people, I tend to stay in my little cocoon. It's the absolute worst possible thing I could do at times like these, and yet I do it anyway. Fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of just pain old driving people mad - all of it factors in. Because part of me feels like the potential for these things is scarier than the alternative. That part of me is admittedly pretty stupid because I don't know that anything is really scarier than the alternative. And certainly there are people out there who wouldn't judge, wouldn't reject and at least wouldn't admit that I'm driving them crazy. Even more, there are people out there who would understand. And I still make the same stupid choice I always have. I try to go hide under a rock until the world seems less scary - or until I've completely given up on the idea of hope, but hopefully the world being less scary option.
So I'm spending my time trying to not feel anxious, which is naturally only making me more anxious about my level of anxiety - because that's honestly about how much sense anything makes these days. My therapist asked me to take a hard look at my part in the issues in my marriage
and identify what part I played in all of it. I know I'm not supposed to kick
my own ass over all of it. And she said specifically that the question was not intended to imply that it's my
fault that the marriage was abusive or that I deserved the way I was treated,
but it still makes me feel that way. It's kind of like when someone says, "I don't mean to be rude, but..." and then fires off one of the most offensive comments on the planet. It still made me kick my own ass, though
perhaps a little less emphatically than I would have before, if that’s worth
anything. Does that count as progress? I'm thinking probably not. And
it still made me feel like I somehow deserved how I was treated, even if I know
that I am not responsible for his words or actions and I didn’t do anything to
provoke them. The thing is, I don't know what I did wrong except overlook the
warning signs - and not really have any idea what love actually looked like. I
don't know what else I did to contribute to the situation, though I suppose I
was too scared to speak up about things. In the end, the only thing I can see
that I really did wrong was stay with him and ignore the behavior as long as I
did. I just really believed that it was my fault and that I deserved it
somehow. Even now, there's still part of me that feels like I deserved it. I
didn't, I realize, but I've always had trouble getting that nagging voice to
shut the fuck up. Maybe I’m just blind. Maybe my part in all of it should be
blatantly obvious. Maybe I wasn’t a good
enough wife or person…or anything. But
it wasn’t from lack of trying – I did the best I knew how. Maybe my part in all of it is that my best
wasn’t really good enough. But if the
goal of this thought exercise is largely to avoid the same pitfalls in the
future, I’m not sure how helpful it is to identify that my best isn’t good
enough…because it’s impossible to give more than my best.
But that’s really priority #1 for me right now anyway – to stop being so damn fucked up and quit emotionally beating the shit out myself so much. And to stop pushing people away. There are people out there that care about me – I need to figure out how to LET them care about me instead of being terrified and pushing them all away. But then, that’s a big part of why I’m continuing with this blog. I find the whole thing really uncomfortable, but it does seem to have allowed me to take little tiny baby steps in the right direction as far as letting people support me and care about me. It’s not healthy to completely shut down and push everyone away when I’m at my lowest. It’d be much healthier to have some type of support system to lean on, but it’s certainly a scary thing to have that kind of vulnerability, especially when you’ve gone your whole life without it. So trying to let people care about me and be there for me is certainly uncomfortable and awkward, but I’m doing the best I can to let the people who understand and actually care about me be there for me and support me when I'm in desperate need of it.
I really don't know why that's so difficult for me. It always has been - at least as far back as I can remember. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I have a difficult time believing that anyone would actually genuinely care about me. I've always had trouble with that. Maybe because I have a hard time genuinely caring about myself? I don't really know. But at some point, I just need to cut the crap and realize that there are people out there who, for whatever crazy reason, actually DO care about me. They WANT to see me happy. They WANT to be there for me when I crash and burn. They WANT the best for me even when I don't give a shit anymore. Put simply - they love me, even when I feel most unlovable (which is pretty much all the time lately)...and there's no more important time to be loved than at those incredibly difficult times. But then, at least for me, there's no harder time to let myself be loved. Because naturally all of the insecurities come flooding back and it feels like I don't deserve to be loved...by anyone.
And to the people who have stood by me and supported me and loved me over the past few weeks when I've really had a horribly difficult time (you know who you are - fo' serious, yo) - THANK YOU! I love you, and you have no idea how much your support means to me. It's certainly been a journey, and there's still so much farther to go. It's definitely not been graceful, but I guess in the end, it won't matter how I got there...only that I did. I can tackle grace and poise later...
But that’s really priority #1 for me right now anyway – to stop being so damn fucked up and quit emotionally beating the shit out myself so much. And to stop pushing people away. There are people out there that care about me – I need to figure out how to LET them care about me instead of being terrified and pushing them all away. But then, that’s a big part of why I’m continuing with this blog. I find the whole thing really uncomfortable, but it does seem to have allowed me to take little tiny baby steps in the right direction as far as letting people support me and care about me. It’s not healthy to completely shut down and push everyone away when I’m at my lowest. It’d be much healthier to have some type of support system to lean on, but it’s certainly a scary thing to have that kind of vulnerability, especially when you’ve gone your whole life without it. So trying to let people care about me and be there for me is certainly uncomfortable and awkward, but I’m doing the best I can to let the people who understand and actually care about me be there for me and support me when I'm in desperate need of it.
I really don't know why that's so difficult for me. It always has been - at least as far back as I can remember. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I have a difficult time believing that anyone would actually genuinely care about me. I've always had trouble with that. Maybe because I have a hard time genuinely caring about myself? I don't really know. But at some point, I just need to cut the crap and realize that there are people out there who, for whatever crazy reason, actually DO care about me. They WANT to see me happy. They WANT to be there for me when I crash and burn. They WANT the best for me even when I don't give a shit anymore. Put simply - they love me, even when I feel most unlovable (which is pretty much all the time lately)...and there's no more important time to be loved than at those incredibly difficult times. But then, at least for me, there's no harder time to let myself be loved. Because naturally all of the insecurities come flooding back and it feels like I don't deserve to be loved...by anyone.
And to the people who have stood by me and supported me and loved me over the past few weeks when I've really had a horribly difficult time (you know who you are - fo' serious, yo) - THANK YOU! I love you, and you have no idea how much your support means to me. It's certainly been a journey, and there's still so much farther to go. It's definitely not been graceful, but I guess in the end, it won't matter how I got there...only that I did. I can tackle grace and poise later...
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