It's Official!

Nope...nothing exciting.  Nothing even good, really.  See, I warned you - I'm just full of disappointments.

I'm just officially screwed up.  Not that this is any big news or anything, but in over six months of seeing my last psychiatrist, I never once received an actual diagnosis.  Now I have a new psychiatrist and not one, but TWO, fabulous diagnoses - major depressive disorder (no shit, right?) AND generalized anxiety disorder (also a huge shocker).  Yay for me - I got a two-fer!  At least now maybe someone will actually DO something instead of just trying to deny there's a problem until it's too late.

It's not like either of those diagnoses comes as a particular shock to me. I could've told you about the make depressive disorder twenty years ago. I've been in more denial about the anxiety disorder, honestly, but there's really been no denying it either over the last couple of years - especially as they've progressed more recently into full blown panic attacks.  But there's something different about it actually being official - something almost validating. 

The visit to the new psychiatrist was...interesting.  It was like a trip back to yesteryear.  Her office looked like it was vintage 1970's.  The doctor looked like she was about 900 years old and she was definitely hard of hearing.  The only thing more awkward about having to tell a complete stranger about you struggles with mental health is having to holler them across the room so she can hear you.  And there are few things more entertaining (and kind of sad) than watching a 900 year-old doctor try to take notes on an iPad.  For the love of God, someone please get this women a typewriter.  Please...for everyone's sake.  It's just sad to watch old people struggle with technology.

And apparently my old therapist is now working in the same office as my new psychiatrist.  I was checking out and she was headed out to the waiting room to grab her next appointment.  That was awkward, to say the least.  On the positive side, I don't look even remotely like I did back when I used to see her, so I know she didn't recognize me.  But still...awkward.  Super, super awkward.

It's been a long and ugly road.  It still is, really, but maybe it's starting to come together in small but meaningful ways. I started the journey with high hopes for some sort of grand epiphany and found myself getting frustrated when I seemed to be doing nothing but spinning my wheels. Sometimes when we change so slowly, it's hard to even see that there has been any change at all. I'm just now, after all this time, getting to the point where I can see some of the small, subtle changes.  And those are the things I'm hanging onto right now when I sometimes feel like I've completely lost the plot.

So yeah, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder...because I'm just that awesome. It's part of my charm...that and my irresistibly witty commentary.  But at least now I feel a little more normal in my abnormality.