Change Sucks

Good God, change sucks.  It always has for me.  Always.  I consider myself to be a smart person, but intellect is no match for the fear and discomfort of change.  All the logic in the world won't convince me that change is easy or good or necessary.  All I see is that change is scary as fuck.  It always has been and always will be.

See, this past weekend was a weekend I had been looking forward to for quite some time.  My husband moved out.  Divorce is imminent and I now hold down the fort myself.  I expected this to feel freeing, liberating and yet it was neither of those things.  I feel just as on edge as I did before.  It feels different, but every bit as scary and unnerving.  And for a while I couldn't really put my finger on it.  What exactly is it about getting out of a toxic situation that makes it scarier than actually being IN the toxic situation?  I expected to feel relief.  I didn't get it.  I didn't get anything that even looked remotely like relief.

The answer?  I'm not entirely sure.  Single parenthood scares me to some degree, as does the loss of an income.  And for a while, I thought that's what had me scared, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that these things don't really scare me all that much.  Maybe they should, but they don't.  Financially, I'll be okay - I know that.  And truthfully, I've already been doing most of the care for the kids, so it's not like single parenthood is a big stretch either.  So seriously what is it that's got me so afraid?

I think it comes down to the fact that I'm afraid of what happens if this doesn't change anything for me.  What if things still suck?  What if it doesn't get any better than this?  What if this really is all life has to offer?  What's the point?  There has to be a point, right?  So what the hell is it?  What's the point if nothing gets better?  Because if things don't get better then the problem is probably just me, and if I'm the problem, there's really no getting away from it.

I'm in the midst of planning my vacation for next summer.  It's the carrot I'm dangling in front of my face to get me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm looking forward to it, but is that what life is going to become?  A series of carrots to dangle in front of myself just to keep going?  Because that sucks and I'm not really sure I'll be able to make that work.  I'm afraid I'll never be able to be genuinely happy.  I don't know that I ever really have been.

So where do I go from here?  I have no idea.  I have absolutely no idea.  For now I guess I have no choice but to keep dangling carrots in front of my face and doing my best to put one foot in front of the other.  I have no choice but to just try to stay close to the few people in my life that I can trust to love and support me without judgment and hope that they don't get tired of me and completely give up on me.  I don't have many other choices but just to just keep trying, but days like these, it just completely sucks.