My post a while back "On Being Social..." led me to this post today. They probably don't seem related at all. Truthfully, they're really not except that my phone has this nasty habit of trying to change "social" to "suicidal" (along with changing "accepting" to "scrotum", "priorities" to "prostitute" and "weirdness" to "weiners" among other auto correct gems). So when I was writing that post, I was actually thinking about this one. And it seems like an appropriate time to share this post because, frankly, things haven't been going so well lately.
I've alluded to it before without actually coming right out and saying it, but today I'll say it outright. This is something I've struggled with. It's a part of me I pretend doesn't exist until it comes beating down my door and I absolutely can't ignore it anymore. It's taboo. It's uncomfortable. It's not "polite." It's often downright hard for people to digest. And it makes people uncomfortable too, which is the last thing I want to do.
I'm not quite sure why my desire to maintain the comfort of people around me is stronger than my desire for self-preservation, but for some reason that just seems to be how I roll. Then again, making myself a priority has never been something I've been especially good at. I'm actually planning to book my airfare for my trip next summer within the next week or so because I figure if I actually book the airfare - preferably non-refundable - then I might have a fighting chance of actually making myself take the vacation. I've already been trying my hardest to find reasons I shouldn't take the vacation - not the least of which is that I don't feel like I'm "worth" it. At any rate, justifying doing things for myself has always been a huge struggle for me, even when the consequences of not doing so could have been dire.
I'm not quite sure why my desire to maintain the comfort of people around me is stronger than my desire for self-preservation, but for some reason that just seems to be how I roll. Then again, making myself a priority has never been something I've been especially good at. I'm actually planning to book my airfare for my trip next summer within the next week or so because I figure if I actually book the airfare - preferably non-refundable - then I might have a fighting chance of actually making myself take the vacation. I've already been trying my hardest to find reasons I shouldn't take the vacation - not the least of which is that I don't feel like I'm "worth" it. At any rate, justifying doing things for myself has always been a huge struggle for me, even when the consequences of not doing so could have been dire.
But struggling with depression and suicidality brings out the judgment in people too. Good Lord, you should hear the names people call those of us with mental illness, but those of us that struggle with suicidality especially. I especially enjoy being called a psycho and being told how "fucked up" I must be to be seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. So if you ever want to really piss me off, call me a psycho or tell me how fucked up or worthless I am and see how well that works out for you. I'll give you a hint - NOT well...but go ahead and try anyway - it could be fun (for me, anyway). I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that these sorts of harsh judgments are born out of ignorance and nothing more. Still, it's hard not to take it personally.
I've never quite understood why people in general take these sorts of things so lightly or make such harsh judgments. Maybe it's because people don't know how to deal with uncomfortable situations. Maybe it's because people just don't know what to do or say. But that's just it, there's no perfect thing to say or do in that situation. The absolute best thing you can do is just BE THERE and let the person know you give a shit. You don't have to say the perfect thing - there really isn't even any perfect thing you could say. And you don't really even have to say ANYTHING. Just be there - and give a crap. By and large, people who feel suicidal aren't looking for someone to fix everything. We want someone to sincerely and genuinely give a shit. Not because they feel like it's what they SHOULD do. Not out of some sense of obligation. But because they WANT to. Because they really WANT to be there to be supportive - because they actually CARE. Someone who isn't going to stop being supportive just because we're not right in front of them. It really doesn't take much. It takes BEING THERE and CARING. We don't expect you to say anything magical or wave a magic wand and have all the answers. We get it - there aren't easy answers. Trust me, we've looked for them. If there were easy answers out there, we would have found them already. Believe us when we say that we don't want to feel this way. Believe us when we say that we are TRYING to change.
Even many mental health professionals seem to take this sort of thing lightly. I've been down that road too. I don't think the general public really realizes how difficult it is to find mental health professionals that will work WITH you. It's hard. It's really, ridiculously hard. You really have to be your biggest advocate. I don't think people realize how difficult it is to advocate for yourself when you're at a point where you just don't fucking care about anything anymore. It's insanely hard. The last thing we need to be dealing with are mental health professionals that don't really believe us when we tell them how much we're struggling or the people around us making judgments about things they don't even remotely understand. Or, you know, having your psychiatrist liken your struggle with depression to a three year-old's temper tantrum...because that's not at all condescending or completely ignorant.
It's hard to not feel completely alone on the roller coaster ride. But hopefully someday, there will be wider acceptance and fewer judgments of people with mental illness. Maybe more people will realize that this isn't fun for us and we're not just sitting around wallowing in self-pity. I promise you, it sucks and we wouldn't ever choose it.
All of this to say that I hope that people will start to think about people who are struggling in different ways. I hope that people who think of us as freaks or losers will realize that we aren't choosing to be this way. And I hope that people who want to help but don't know how will realize that there's no special skill that you need to help. Nobody expects you to solve everything or achieve world peace. Just giving a crap and being there is the most helpful thing you can do.
I've never quite understood why people in general take these sorts of things so lightly or make such harsh judgments. Maybe it's because people don't know how to deal with uncomfortable situations. Maybe it's because people just don't know what to do or say. But that's just it, there's no perfect thing to say or do in that situation. The absolute best thing you can do is just BE THERE and let the person know you give a shit. You don't have to say the perfect thing - there really isn't even any perfect thing you could say. And you don't really even have to say ANYTHING. Just be there - and give a crap. By and large, people who feel suicidal aren't looking for someone to fix everything. We want someone to sincerely and genuinely give a shit. Not because they feel like it's what they SHOULD do. Not out of some sense of obligation. But because they WANT to. Because they really WANT to be there to be supportive - because they actually CARE. Someone who isn't going to stop being supportive just because we're not right in front of them. It really doesn't take much. It takes BEING THERE and CARING. We don't expect you to say anything magical or wave a magic wand and have all the answers. We get it - there aren't easy answers. Trust me, we've looked for them. If there were easy answers out there, we would have found them already. Believe us when we say that we don't want to feel this way. Believe us when we say that we are TRYING to change.
Even many mental health professionals seem to take this sort of thing lightly. I've been down that road too. I don't think the general public really realizes how difficult it is to find mental health professionals that will work WITH you. It's hard. It's really, ridiculously hard. You really have to be your biggest advocate. I don't think people realize how difficult it is to advocate for yourself when you're at a point where you just don't fucking care about anything anymore. It's insanely hard. The last thing we need to be dealing with are mental health professionals that don't really believe us when we tell them how much we're struggling or the people around us making judgments about things they don't even remotely understand. Or, you know, having your psychiatrist liken your struggle with depression to a three year-old's temper tantrum...because that's not at all condescending or completely ignorant.
It's hard to not feel completely alone on the roller coaster ride. But hopefully someday, there will be wider acceptance and fewer judgments of people with mental illness. Maybe more people will realize that this isn't fun for us and we're not just sitting around wallowing in self-pity. I promise you, it sucks and we wouldn't ever choose it.
All of this to say that I hope that people will start to think about people who are struggling in different ways. I hope that people who think of us as freaks or losers will realize that we aren't choosing to be this way. And I hope that people who want to help but don't know how will realize that there's no special skill that you need to help. Nobody expects you to solve everything or achieve world peace. Just giving a crap and being there is the most helpful thing you can do.
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