Life Lessons

Last week was super fun and full of awesome and exciting learning experiences.  I'm only writing about them now because it's taken me a few days in my pillow fort and several more days of painting and baking therapy to recover.  That's why I've been slacking off on posting.  I've been too busy just trying to survive, with mixed results.

But here are a few of the things I learned about myself last week:

1) My personal bubble is bigger than the passenger seat of a car.  Seriously, way, WAY bigger.  Don't ask me how I know this.  It's a kind of traumatic story.

2) I probably have a slight case of ADHD...or a huge case.  I just have no attention span whatsoever.  I also learned that drinking coffee in an effort to regain focus is a very bad idea.  It mostly just gives me the ability to lose focus with blinding speed.

3) There are certain things people can say that can completely change the course of my day/week/month, for better or for worse whether it was really intended or not.  Last week, it was for the worse.

I was doing pretty well last week, recovering from what was a fairly difficult week, but doing a bang-up job of it.  It feels kind of lame, but I was actually kind of proud of how things were going...aside from the fact that I couldn't seem to focus on much of anything for more than about three minutes.  But then Wednesday rolled around...

One of my biggest fears has always been being a drain on the people around me.  I guess that's part of the reason I'm always so hesitant to accept help from people or believe that there are people out there that might actually genuinely care about me.  I'm terrified of being a huge drain on them when the shit hits the fan, so I have a tendency to keep people at arm's length even when things are really bad for me.  I've been busting my ass lately to try to get past that and trying to let people give a shit about me and be there for me when I really need someone.  It's uncomfortable and awkward and doesn't at all come naturally for me.  I've been especially bad at it these last few weeks - and last week was the absolute worst.  A comment was made that made all of those fears and insecurities rise back up and kick my ass.

I don't know why it's so awkward for me to come right out and say, "I really need a hug."  I guess I feel like it makes me look stupid and pathetic.  And maybe it does, I don't know.  But shit, there have been so many days where I would have given anything for a genuine hug and someone to put their arm around me and just be there for me while a break down.  Because Lord knows I've had a lot of breakdowns this year.  It's hard when the people I trust the most are in the farthest corners of the country.  Sometimes what I need the most is just someone to be there.  Sometimes actual talking is the last thing I want to do.  Sometimes I just need someone to make me feel safe.  I haven't really felt safe in a long time.

Anyway, I don't have anything especially insightful to share today (not that I ever really do), nor do I have any amusing stories or adventures.  Hopefully I'll get back to that soon.  For now I can barely keep my eyes open...